dreading the indifference
by Revan Sama
Summary: He admired her so much, such graceful battle skills and such compassion to others. More than anything, he wanted to protect her strong will and vulnerable heart... LSM Revan


_"The flowers are cherry blossoms, and you are beautiful. The spring's light through green leaves and your little smile. Winter is over, the snow has melted, in your heart spring has arrived." from the song hana wa sakura kimi wa utsukushi._

When he was a sith lord, he was a selfish and proud man.

Now that he think of it, he was more like a child ; angry because of the unfairness of the situation. But he was a greedy child. No matter how foolish, weak or unusual it was, he always got what he wanted.

He was ashamed of himself and his ambition. He wanted everything, all the knowledge, the power and the respect that would make God envy him. He didn't needed emotion. Those trivial things were unnecessary and bring too much weakness. And before he knew what was going on, he was confronting one enemy he could not simply defeated on the battleground : Love.

When Malak ordered the ships under HIS command to fire his ship, he though that it would be the end. After cursing Malak, he would see all his life flow over and over. All his precious memories, all his important people : The exile, Arren kae, Malak, Vandar, Zhar, Vrook and...

Master Kreia.

He never had a family but...to him, she was like the only mother he had and knew. She was...an indifferent woman. She never showed many emotion or feeling toward him. Yes she was a jedi but still...nothing? However even if it hurts him, he still loved her.

It seem strange to say it out loud but Kreia was the first person who taught him what family love was.

But what was love anyway?

Was it love when Malak asked him to be friends?

Was it love when the exile admired him?

Was it love when master Kae smiled at him and told him it was going to be alright?

Was it...Was it love when he was hurt that master Kreia didn't feel that he could be the son she never had?

He never knew...not until he saw a face with grey eyes filled with tears and choking words that sounded like "please live, please..."

She was a Jedi...Like most woman and man of any kind. Brown short hair with a yellow light saber...a Jedi sentinel like many others.

What make her so special that the council had to sent her to defeated him?

In spite of that, she was trying to heal and...save him?

Who...Who was this woman?

He never saw her in his entire life, an complete stranger.

Why was she saving him?

She surely must know that the council wouldn't blame her for letting him die, so why?

For the first time in his life he felt...touched ; That woman knew nothing of him beside his Sith Lord reputation (being a monster, cruel, perverted by the dark side,...) and she was still trying to help him?

"Please live, please don't die..."

She was repeating the same words and still weeping silently.

And before she could continue, his right hand was already on her cheek trying to erase her tears.

Then he said with a sincere smile.

"Don't waste...your...time...with...someone...like...me"

He doesn't remember what happen next but somehow he could still feel her hands pressing his right hand on her cheek, sighing blissfully.

Why would she be so relieved?

When he met her again, things were different ; This time he know her name.

Bastila...

A name like many others, it was quite like a number, forgetful.

However when he say it now...the sound of her name felt so heavenly. Like it was the name of a goddess who has came down to go into the mortal realms. The worst part was that he wasn't exaggerating, he was quite foolish for thinking like that but that was how he truly felt.

When he met her again, it was quite surprising.

He tried to be polite and make a good impression just like master Kreia said :

"it's the first impression that will either open the door or close it." and he hoped to open it.

And she...well...

She was arrogant, mighty, proud and frustrated. It was horrible, it was like having a mirror in front of him. She wasn't like that when they were on the bridge of his ship. What it the same person?

Still he ignored the part where 'she saved him and not he saved her' and replied that Carth Onasi was waiting for them.

That how he knew that she had a strong will, at least he knew something about her beside the fact that she saved him from the Vulkars.

It wasn't a very nice meeting but...

He still wanted to know her.

What he dreaded the most...was the indifference.

To think that Bastila would feel nothing, no love, no friendship or no hate toward him, absolutely nothing, much like master Kreia did...it was unthinkable. It made him feel like he was dying inside. What a cruel thing it is ; indifference...

And a familliar quote came in his mind.

"Apathy is death."

He didn't know if this was love or not, he still wanted to be by her side.

He wanted nothing more than protecting her strong will and vulnerable heart. Back then on the bridge of his ship, she showed him her true face, her true tears and honest heart. Somehow he felt honored and special. He was sure that nobody has ever seen her true nature, even the jedi council. Deep down it was making him very happy. And even if she was indeed indifferent or however she act, he would still love and adore her.

But this time...

He failed.

She was captured by his former apprentice, Malak and fell to the dark side.

He failed to protect her, both inside and outside and now he felt miserable.

Jolee, Mission and the other told him it wasn't his fault but he still felt responsible about it.

Worst, when he confronted Bastila on the star forge, he discovered that it was because of him that she fell into the dark side.

Because she loved him.

She though that if they weren't allow to be together by being Jedi maybe they would be together by being Sith.

If she would fall to dark side, if she changed herself maybe...he would love her.

He...he never knew, n-no one told him and he though it was impossible for her to love him.

After all he was a former Sith Lord, he killed many people, he did many other horrible thing.

Why by the force would she love him?

He would never get the answer because even Bastila didn't know why...

Maybe the answer wasn't needed after all. He felt such joy inside that he though he would burn.

And when he told her that he felt the same way, she smiled at him with kindness and gentleness that only she could ever possess...with a love that could only be explained as a woman in love ; subtle, yet more fierce than any other power in this world. It make him feel like a boy again...

She told him that she loved him too with all her heart with such soft voice.

Once again she showed him her true self.

And this time he didn't promise to protect her strong will and her vulnerable heart.

He will guard everything about her both in life and in death.


End file.
